Just checking in

No yoga today…its at least 100 degrees in my bedroom upstairs. I need to go get an AC unit to have installed up here. I’ll do my breathing exercises before bed. Supplements, prayer + dog. Not bad.

I’ve been having these little breakthroughs of sparkly sunshine in my mind. Yesterday I was listening to music in the car, drinking my favorite anti-depressant Vietnamese coffee. For a small moment, everything was okay and I wasn’t drowning in grief or self-hate or guilt. Today I read a great blog post by one of my favorite writers…again…a moment of hope peering through the clouds.

I’m thinking about going back on medications, but I want to give the supplements a chance to work first. I’m up to 1000mg of the niacin. Will do that for one more week and then see if I can tolerate 1500. Been eating almost no meat, more vegetables and fruits, less dairy. Still eating a lot of sugar, but certain that in the big picture it doesn’t matter all that much. Trying to care for my brain. Still not certain what is going on in my soul. I know that this go-around with the depression is both physical and spiritual. Hormonally I am a little crazy but the acupuncture seems to be helping the hot flashes and so I hope will assist with the moodiness. Supplements, yoga and diet for the brain. I am not sure how to address whatever it is that feels like it is dying in my heart.

Its all about me

Okay, not really. But that’s another sucky thing about depression. It really makes me self-absorbed to say the least.  I assume the worst of everyone and forget that maybe they might be going through some shit too. Sigh.

Today: 30 minutes yoga. Supplements down and dog training done. No prayers and no writing.  But I am still here.

Longing for home

Depression sucks. I am so discouraged to find myself back here again, hanging on by a thread.

I’m doing some things to try and help. Things to hold onto until hopefully, the will to live comes home. Its a battle: the lousy thing about being depressed is how it takes away the desire to do anything that might help. It always seems like a better idea to stay in bed, sleep, watch television. Initiative is difficult to find.

Here is my current plan: Yoga everyday for the next 30 days starting on Aug 10.  My minimum is 10 minutes on the mat, even if its just breathing exercises. I’m taking Omega 3 oils + niacin supplements.  The dog needs a walk or training session every day. Acupuncture 1x per week.  That’s it. I have other things I do as I can…writing, looking for a new therapist, talking with friends, prayer…but I don’t force myself. It only adds to one of those other hallmarks of depression…guilt…when I don’t make it.

I read this excerpt from a poem by Rumi “I did not come here of my own accord and I cannot leave that way. Whoever brought me here will have to take me home…”  This is my conversation with God right now. You brought me here, you made me and you will have to take me home. My days of thinking I will be the one to send myself home are over (I hope).  Right now, I am not thinking of suicide as an option. I pray that it stays that way.