Caution: Contents may contain sharp edges

I planned to spend today’s therapy session chatting about my upcoming vacation, nothing too heavy or disruptive before I get on the plane.  It appears that God and my psyche had another plan.

For a few weeks I have been really out of sorts and feeling unable to get to the bottom of what is bugging. Short spells of crying interspersed with being rather edgy and having a short-fuse…but no real clear idea about what was stirring me up. I am prone to getting a little (or a lot) depressed this time of the year. Shorter days, holidays approaching, a little of this and of that.

I should have known. You would think that after about a million years in therapy, I would know that when this starts going on, some leftover splinter is working its way towards the surface. Maybe this would cause me to have some compassion for myself instead of the boring ‘what the fuck is your problem’ conversation. Maybe someday.

Sunday I went to my old Vineyard church for an amazing 90 minutes of worship.  I expected to go sit in the mercy pit and have a crying fit, pour out whatever was hurting to Jesus, leave washed clean.  Nope…no tears…not yet. I left feeling clear and uplifted, somehow knowing everything is unfolding exactly as it should be. Grace.  Monday morning I woke up mad and sad and like Sunday never happened.

This morning  (its now Friday for those of you who are keeping track) I woke up after having a devastating dream about my mother who has been dead now for 15 years.  After about a million years in therapy I do at least know better than to try and avoid a message like this (don’t think I wasn’t tempted). I talked to my therapist about the feelings of betrayal, grief and anger that were evoked in this dream and I cried for the entire 45 minutes.  Cried so much I felt sick. I didn’t do the ‘why this again?’ dance of avoidance, but just did my best to sit with it, let the Holy Spirit sit with me and minister to my heart. It was incredibly painful.

Here’s the deal though: when I woke up from this dream today, as I was saying a little prayer before I rolled out of bed, I knew that dream was a gift, and that is not just some spiritual chatter. I knew. I wasn’t sure what it meant and I didn’t know what was ahead, but I could feel it in my soul, the truth of this.

We forget to mention when we are talking about God’s mercy and goodness that, sometimes, it is sharp. Jesus speaks of coming with a sword and it is not all roses, sunshine and glory attacks. That splinter of grief and betrayal needed to come out of my heart. The pus of self-hatred, defensiveness and resentments needed to drain. I love that he is so relentless about our freedom that he will let us walk through some really hard things…including, yes…another trip around the mountain of healing from the past…to get us to where we want to be. Free.

As I am here tonight, resting up after a tough morning and a long day at work, I can feel the post-surgical spaciousness left in my heart. I’m off to Costa Rica on Sunday to see my sweetheart, more able to love and let love in. Feeling very grateful and glad that one is over.

See you when I get back.

poco a poco

When I started my first Spanish class at the local community college a couple of years back, the first thing our professor taught us was this phrase: poco a poco, se va lejos.  Translated…little by little, one goes far. For me, learning a 2nd language is a source of both big joy and endless frustration. Practicing things on a daily basis is sometimes a drag and often it feels like you are going nowhere fast. But in the end Señor Avocado Fountain was right. Daily small steps and consistent practice gets one further than cramming 4 hours the night before the exam.  Sometimes you can even find yourself waiting for your bus…in a drenching rainstorm…in the middle of the jungle…and actually understanding everything that is being said to you in Spanish. It is a magical moment.

Tonight I was writing out my frustrated prayers complaints over the lack of vision I have for my vocational life and I started to think about the situation with my relationship (totally the Holy Spirit). I fell in love when I was in Costa Rica this spring. He and I have continued to stay in touch, I am getting ready to make a 2nd trip down there to see him again and it’s mostly amazing and sweet. Here’s the thing: I have zero idea about where this will end up or how it would ever work out for us to be together. While the circumstances that kept us together while I was down there clearly had heaven’s hand on them, it was complicated in lots of ways that would be a whole other post! Anyway, because it was such upheaval for me, all I could do was put the whole mess in God’s hands. Over and over I prayed…I don’t know what to do with this…here…you take it. If we are to be together then I pray your blessings on us, on this relationship, that you use it to your purpose. Lift us up Lord to a higher place.  If not, then help us just let it go. I still do it, all the time. When my internet phone card disconnects our calls three times in 5 minutes.  When the language differences are getting on someone’s nerves. Whether I am absolutely rolling in happiness or sure this is just a crazy mistake. And you know what? It’s mostly EASY.  I can feel grace all over the whole thing…top to bottom. I trust that God is working something out here, even if I don’t know what.  Day by day…we walk it out.

You know, I could do that with this mess I call vocation too.  Pray over and over…here…you take it. Trust more deeply. Quit thinking it’s all on me to sort it out.  Yes, yes I could.

Tell me more

I’ve been back at my old job for several weeks, helping finish up the season. I had just mentioned to a friend that it would be good to have something to do for a few weeks to earn some money before the end of the year and this job literally dropped on me a couple of days later. The money is good, stress minimal.  Nothing there has changed except me. So much of what used to drive me crazy doesn’t seem all that important anymore. God has done a good work in me in 2009, momentum and power, healing and expanding. I am truly grateful that I when I look back at this year, I don’t have to say that nothing has changed. I am not stuck, praise God.

Now it is time for me to decide if I want to return for the final year of the season (I work in television production) in 2010. It seems as if the word from God is that it doesn’t really matter whether I go or stay…either way…it’s all grace.  Sometimes I think it would be completely crazy not to go back. I would have lots of time off, plenty of money and a very low stress job compared to most who do what I do. At other times I am certain my spirit will just die if I stay. As if the whole work of leaving this job last year, trying to find something to do in the service of God’s kingdom, will be a big flipping failure if I just end up back where I started. Yes, I am a very all or nothing, black or white sort of girl. The truth is that there are positives and negatives to both sides of the issue. The way I am going to get to my ‘ground truth’ (a phrase I love from the book “Fierce Conversations”)  is to keep asking the right questions…writing, praying and talking to the people who love me.

I have this tendency, when people are telling me about something they are wrestling with, to jump in and give my two cents.  Usually before they ask for my opinion, probably before they are done talking or thinking it out for themselves. As if I know what is better for anyone else anyway…please.  This phrase ‘tell me more’  popped into my awareness last week. I like it and want to incorporate it into my life. I know this is how God is listening…tell me more, I am here with you, take all the time you need,  I love you and together we will sort this out. I want to be a better listener, both to myself and to the people I love, as always…hoping that God is conforming me to his own heart.

Writing something down

The past several weeks I have committed myself to writing and praying for 2 hours everyday…one hour each. This practice has been a powerful one for reconnecting with the Spirit and helping me through the transition back into my life here.  I realize that this has not translated into any blogging whatsoever…but like a lot of things in my life right now…I am thinking that is all about to change.

A couple of weeks ago, I returned back to work for a short spell and my practice has dropped off somewhat. I am posting this as a commitment to myself that I will keep writing and using it as a tool to hear from God about my next steps. That includes writing here as well. For those of my friends who have been asking ‘when are you gonna post something?’ thank you for your encouragement.  I am back and it is my intention that it will not be yet another 3 months before the next entry.  Amen.

Home sweet home

I’ve been living and working in Costa Rica for three months with wobbly internet access and not enough time to sleep, let alone write. So much happened, spiritually, emotionally and even physically.  I worked hard, played hard, cried hard (although not often enough!) drank too much, fell in love, ended up in the local emergency room, did battles with countless  insects and relentless dirt, and in general…it was the adventure of a lifetime.

Things I am loving about home this week: couch + teevee + baseball, Vietnamese coffees and hot showers, my old friends. I am missing: the rain (of course, I arrive home during the typical summer LA heat wave from hell), the lushness and beauty of life in the rainforest, my new friends, the adreneline rush of my work life (but not missing the job…ha)  people making my bed and cooking my meals and worst of all…one crazy but terribly sweet electrician.

As I wait here for what is next, I find myself restless and a little distressed. I am in that in-between space…still emotionally tethered to all that I left behind, somewhat disconnected from life here at home. I have no idea what is on Heaven’s agenda for my life and I hate waiting. So I am doing my best to practice what I clung to during the worst of times in the jungle…everything can be gotten through, one breath and one step at a time.  Working to downshift from life at warp-speed and resting mind and body in preparation for the next indicated thing.

My home in Costa Rica

Holy Week

Palm Sunday

We ate it all and there is no more.

The 2009 Lenten Cake Power event is officially over.  This has been one of the most nourishing and yet disciplined 40 days I have ever been through.  Some big changes happening here in the house of mercyk. Details to follow.

(sorry for the fuzzy picture…I am in a hurry here!)

¿estás listo?

I have a love/hate relationship with my local team’s baseball announcers. Early in the season, absence has made the heart grow fonder. All their verbal tics, habits and cliches are fun again. By September I watch a lot of the games with the sound turned off…I just can’t take it anymore.

Yesterday one of the guys said something that not only made me laugh, but I am stealing it for myself. He was talking about a young player, probably on his way back to AAA once spring training is over.  The quote was “He is MSA”.  A few beats later “and soon he’ll be RTG”.  MSA?  RTG?  WTF?

MSA: Making some adjustments. RTG: Ready to go. (of course you knew that, right?)

Me too! I am MSA so that I will be RTG this season.

Heading towards Jerusalem

Lent - Week 5

Well, we did it.

Despite the fact that both of us really were not having the best week…Sunday rolled around and we baked. Considering the mood in the kitchen at the beginning, we are lucky that the only damage done was some slightly burnt cake!  After we trimmed off the corners, the flavor was delicious .  Frosting with coffee, butter, sugar and vanilla…straight out of “Southern Living” magazine…yum. My people know how to cook.

I’m feeling a bit like Holy Week has already arrived in my house. I’m angry and struggling not to turn that on myself. My loneliness during this process is overwhelming. Everything I attempt to get involved in has fallen apart or never even gets started.  I am desperate…poor in spirit if you will…and well aware of my need of God. No joke. A friend of mine mentioned she was impressed that I got up so early to go to church last week. The thing is though…there was nothing really to be impressed by! If I hadn’t gone early, I was going to miss it altogether.  And people, let me tell you…when you are this kind of desperate, not being there…not hearing the Word of God…not taking Communion with the community…that just ceases to be an option.

I am heading into Palm Sunday in two different directions. Going one way, I have a little prayer plan for the week (which I am starting today because I can’t wait until Sunday!). I will be deepening my effort. I’m excited and looking forward to this. On the other hand, I want to surrender more. I want to trust in his plan for my life and take refuge in what we profess to be true. For God so loved the world…

Something good and true is coming out of this time…this I believe.

Eaten up

Lent - Week 4

This is what is left of one apple cake on Monday afternoon…Dios mio!  I guess this is what happens when you are sharing what is good with a tall, always hungry husband + two step-kids + Sister D + me.

It’s good practice for me to share stuff. I can be a bit…er…reluctant at times to be generous.

When I feel trusting, I can be remarkably generous. When I am not afraid of starving, then its easy for me to pass the plate, so to speak. But oooh, when I get scared…I can become very stingy. Oftentimes, however, my fears and ideas about starving (and I am not just talking about dessert here!) are not based in reality. Fear is tricky. It speaks to me in ridiculous whispers of things that SOUND like they could be true. I have been known to listen to these stories and use them as justification for some rather selfish thinking, not to mention behavior. Embarrassing.

On the other hand, part of my Lenten practice this year was to ‘give up’ being so mean to myself. There is no condemnation in Christ…guess what…that goes for me too. Believe me when I tell you, there are some good reasons why my brain is wired to get scared. So, instead of jumping all over myself for this, I talk sweetly to those voices…talk to them in love, because that is exactly what they need. It is a discipline for me, this cultivating patience and kindness and most of all, letting God into these tender places…but one that is bearing some good fruit. Like freely sharing an apple cake with the people I love, not because I think I should, but because I really want to.

Man, this has been a good Lent so far.

Hope

Since I am still trying to figure out how to embed video here…ahem…  I’ll go ahead and link to this post in the meantime. If you love this idea, go vote!  Here’s the link explaining the project itself.

I’ve never met Jen in real-life but I am always so happy when my Netvibes page shows a new entry on her blog…its like a little gift for the day. I love her writing and how it reveals her lovely open-heart. And really…who doesn’t need to see hope made visible sometimes?